Friday evening, I rewrote a message cancelling plans three times

From a little past four on Friday afternoon, I kept checking my phone. That evening I had plans to see a friend I hadn't met in a long while. We had set it weeks ago, so I should have been looking forward to it, but strangely my heart had sunk. In the meeting around lunchtime, the proposal I had been holding onto for weeks was pushed to next quarter without any explanation. Nobody brought it up again, and I didn't say a word either. It stayed with me all day like a thorn.

At my desk I opened the messenger and typed "Sorry, I don't think I can make it tonight," then deleted it. I didn't want to be someone who breaks plans. I started again with "I'm not feeling well," and deleted that too. It wasn't a lie, but it wasn't the truth either. The third sentence I wrote, with no embellishment at all, was simply "Today is a hard day for me," and that one was harder to send. In the end I sent none of the three and put my phone in my pocket.

On the way home from work, I walked to the transfer passage with the message window still open. It was where the train to the meeting place and the train toward home went their separate ways. I sat down on a bench on the platform and simply let two trains go by. By then it had grown dim outside, and even the thought that I had to eat dinner felt distant.

An evening when you don't have to settle on the answer

Still on the bench, I opened still().

The LORD is near to those who have a broken heart, and saves those who have a crushed spirit.

Psalm 34:18 (WEB)

The words "a crushed spirit": honestly, at first that line felt a little heavy to take in, as if it were describing someone who had done something wrong. But the sentence named "a broken heart" first. Being hurt by a proposal being pushed aside, and swallowing it all day, both seemed fine to call by that one name, a broken heart. The thought that sinking this low over weeks of work being brushed aside in a single line was an overreaction loosened a little. My heart didn't get better right away. It was only that I didn't have to settle tonight, as if there were a right answer, whether to cancel or not. I could leave the hurt heart as a hurt heart, and think about the plans once more as plans.

With my phone still in my pocket, I took the train toward the meeting place. I got there about fifteen minutes late. My friend, already seated and looking at the menu, said "You came," and slid one across to me. I didn't bring up the meeting. While my friend talked about getting ready to move, the food I had ordered arrived, and as I listened I noticed my shoulders had come down. On the way back, I copied the third sentence into my notes app. I hadn't sent it, but I hadn't deleted it either.

Today's breath — On a day when the heart is hurt, don't prepare an explanation. Go only as far as a place to sit.