Wednesday morning, I stood there a long time after the mug broke at the sink

On Wednesday morning, getting ready for work, I turned on the tap to wash the mug I had left soaking in the sink the night before. I was rinsing it with suds up to my wrists when the handle slid right out from between my fingers. The mug hit the edge of the sink once and dropped onto the tile floor. A sharp crash filled the narrow kitchen.

My breath stopped on the spot. The mug was already broken, but my body startled a beat late. The sound of my heart knocking against my ribs rose all the way to my ears, and my wet hands hung in the air and wouldn't come down. White pieces were scattered around my feet. I was the only one home, and still I looked around once for no reason.

It was nothing, really. A mug I had used for years broke, and I wasn't hurt. But ten minutes later my chest still hadn't settled. Even on the way to get the broom, that sound kept ringing again in my ears. I felt like a stranger to myself, being this shaken by something I would normally have waved off with a "whoops." I wondered whether something deep inside had been pulled taut lately.

Dismay, written down apart from fear

I leaned the broom against the wall and opened still().

Haven’t I commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Don’t be afraid. Don’t be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.

Joshua 1:9 (WEB)

"Don't be afraid. Don't be dismayed." It was the first time I noticed that two things are set side by side there. Being afraid and being dismayed are different things, and since both were written down on purpose, I guess dismay, the heart giving way all at once, was worth naming on its own. A startle is something the body does before I have decided anything. So these words didn't read to me like a scolding for a startled heart. Instead my eyes stopped at the very beginning, "Haven't I commanded you?" It sounded less like something said for the first time and more like a question that reminds me of something already said. Reading the verse didn't settle my chest right away. Still, I decided to stop asking myself one more time, "Why am I this shaken?" I let the startled part stay startled, and quietly read once more the line near the end, "is with you."

I spread out newspaper and picked up the big pieces one by one. The small ones I pressed up with a damp paper towel, and the ones wedged between the tiles I ran the vacuum over. With every piece I picked up, the pounding left in my fingertips slowed a little. On the outside of the newspaper bundle I wrote "broken mug" and set it by the front door. From the cupboard I took out a different cup with a lower handle and poured water halfway. I took a sip, and the sound of setting the cup down was very small.

Today's breath — If you've been suddenly startled, pause what you're doing for a moment, rest a palm on your chest, and let out a long breath.