Thursday morning, the card due-date alert rang first

On Thursday morning my phone rang before my alarm did. The screen said "Card payment due date." I was still under the blanket, and my heart was already beating fast. How much was this month's payment again? How much was left in my account? I started calculating before I had even opened my eyes.

When I opened the app, the number was smaller than I had expected. Even so, my mind would not trust it. What about next month? What if something big and sudden came up? Things that had not happened yet lined up one after another. I closed the screen, opened it again, and checked the same number once more. Outside the window it was just getting light, and I could hear the toilet flush in the apartment next door.

After I washed my face, the number was still stuck in my head. While brushing my teeth I noticed that the face in the mirror looked a little stiff. Worrying does not make a bank balance grow, and yet I did not know how to put the worry down. I stood there with the toothbrush in my mouth for a long time.

What remained after the counting was done

I sat at the table and poured a cup of warm water. Only then did I realize that the calculation had already ended several times over, but my mind had not. Whatever could be solved with numbers was already solved. What was left was not a number but a vague feeling of "what will happen to me." No matter how many times I counted again, it did not get any smaller.

I opened still() and read today's verse.

casting all your worries on him, because he cares for you.

1 Peter 5:7 (WEB)

At first the idea of casting all my worries on him sounded irresponsible to me. But when I read the part that follows, "because he cares for you," it seemed to say not that I should stop paying attention, but that someone is looking after me, so I do not have to hold all of it alone. I decided to take it this way: I do what I can do, and the vagueness beyond that is allowed to be set down. When I wrapped both hands around the cup, my palms slowly grew warm.

That morning I did only one thing. I wrote the due date on the calendar and decided to look at the number again on that day. I put my phone face down at the far edge of the table. While putting on my shoes at the front door, I let out one long breath. The worry had not disappeared, but I told myself there was no more number to look into this morning.

Today's breath — If you have checked the same number twice, do not check a third time. Breathe out once instead.