After the Meeting, the Evening Fell Apart First

When the meeting ends at six in the evening, my smile is the first thing to go out. During the day I do well. I reply to messages, I upload the report, I eat lunch with everyone. I doubt anyone thinks I'm falling apart.

The trouble is the moment I close the front door. I couldn't turn on the light, and I sat for a long time with my shoes still on. I had to wash up, I had to eat, but my body wouldn't follow. Ten minutes became thirty, and then I was on my phone until the night was over. The next morning I'd put on a face that looked fine again.

Weekends were much the same. I put off plans, the laundry piled up, and I lay in bed counting the patterns on the ceiling. It was supposed to be rest, but it didn't feel like rest. By Sunday evening Monday already felt heavy, and I didn't know who I could explain that heaviness to. I only told a friend, "I've been a little tired lately." The truth was that "tired" wasn't enough of a word.

I Wasn't Being Lazy

For a while I blamed myself. Everyone else gets this much done, so why can't I do anything once evening comes? But when I thought about it, I was already spending all my strength on playing the person who is fine all day long. It wasn't strange that nothing was left for the evening.

Even so, I can't be the one to decide what name this state has. That's something I'd only know by talking with someone in person, so I've been looking for a place where I can get counseling.

One night, still sitting at the front door, I opened still().

“Come to me, all you who labor and are heavily burdened, and I will give you rest.

Matthew 11:28 (WEB)

I stopped at the word “labor”. It felt like a sentence in which someone had noticed first that I was having a hard time. There was no telling me to do well, no telling me to hang in there, only that I would be given rest. That day I simply took off my shoes and turned on the light. That was all I did that day. I decided that was enough.

Today's breath — Take off your shoes and turn on just one light.

If evenings like this keep going on for days, don't carry them alone — tell a clinic or a counseling center near you. And if a moment feels too heavy to get through, you can call one of the crisis lines listed below.