On Saturday Evening, Grocery Bags Left by the Door

On Saturday afternoon I went out for groceries. Tofu, green onions, eggs, milk, and a bag of mandarin oranges on sale. I crossed the items off my list one by one as I went around, but when I came out of the checkout my arms felt heavy.

Back home, I set the two bags down by the door and sank onto the floor without even taking off my shoes. I knew I had to put things in the fridge, but my body wouldn't move. The sunlight coming through the window was already orange. At the end of October the sun starts to slant a little after four. It struck me anew how quickly the day goes.

Looking back, I hadn't done much today. One load of laundry, one grocery trip. Half of what I'd meant to do this weekend would slip over to Monday. Normally I would have scolded myself: "Only this much again today." But that day I was too tired even to scold myself. I just sat under the light of the entryway, listening to a mandarin roll around inside the bag.

I thought about how, when I was little, Saturday evening used to be the best part. Since tomorrow was Sunday, there was the relief of having one more day left. Since becoming an adult, as soon as Saturday evening comes I find myself already counting from Monday. Today I wanted to put that arithmetic aside for a little while.

The side that does not run out

I opened still().

It is because of the LORD’s loving kindnesses that we are not consumed, because his mercies don’t fail.

Lamentations 3:22 (WEB)

The word "consumed" was heavy, so I read for a long time. I don't know the whole context around it. Still, it read to me as saying that I don't run out not because I'm doing well, but because there is a side that never runs out. No matter how little I managed today. Reading this verse doesn't take the tiredness away. Monday's work is still waiting. Still, it occurred to me that I don't have to receive a day like a report card. Today, instead of the number of things I did, it seemed enough to remember that there was an evening when I simply sat like this.

I put the milk and tofu in the fridge first. I left the mandarins on the table. I peeled one and ate it, and it was sweeter than I expected. I decided to put the rest away tomorrow. For dinner I made something simple with beaten eggs. When I chopped in the green onion, the smell spread through the kitchen, and it was the most like home of anything all day. I decided that tomorrow morning's me would do the dishes.

Today's breath — Where you sat down after taking off your shoes, look at the light from the window and breathe out slowly once.